For the Mother’s
There she sat. On the floor in her home. Hunched over a crying baby. Her eyes tired, her hair tired, her clothes tired. She fed her young one with what care she had left to give. Overworked, over tired, but yet, she was a mother, so there was no giving up on her children. She must remain, for them. And she had. She had not faltered from this place. Yet here she sat, so incredibly tired. This must be normal she thought as another young one tugged at her sad and rumpled shirt. Asking for more. I am a mother she thought, this is the glorified and wonderful place to be in this world, a mother with healthy young ones who need me and depend on me and here I will remain as long as they need me. This is the place where I will give them my care, here in this home, in this place. I just have to keep going. But with tired eyes and wilted hair, her young one began to scream and cry as she did not respond right away to her calling to come play. And as she continued to scream and to pull, the other young one also began to cry and pull on her hair as she tried to move from her cramped corner that she was sitting in. This place began to feel so small. And as she tried to readjust, unable to stand up in these tight quarters, both young ones were now tugging and pulling and screaming and crying, mommy come and play, mommy I want more, mommy, mommy mommy! And with that final cry a bellow came from within the mothers chest, a cry for herself and she then screamed in the heat of the moment. In the moment of too much pull, she had nothing left. But out she screamed, “I CAN’T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE” and with this roar, this outburst of pure emotion, she felt a crack beneath her feet. She looked beneath her and realized that the floor on which she sat had started to come undone. She looked at the faces of her young ones who were in shock and surprise by what had just come out of their mother. And in the silence it came as their que to continue their screams and demands for more. And so the young mother tried again to see what would happen, “I CAN’T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE” and again a crack showed, but this time in the wall above her. And again “I CAN’T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE” “I CAN’T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE” “THIS IS NOT THE MOTHER I WANT TO BE” as she screamed and grew hot in her face, she waved her arms wildly as it felt so good to suddenly be this unhinged. And with this chanting and screaming and sweating and flailing, she eventually saw that all of the walls around her were coming undone and as she gave a final push with her wildish arms, she pushed her ceiling completely off.
To where this opened ceiling led, she did not know, but all she knew was that she could see. A cool breeze immediately blew through the now open roof, and it felt so soothing to her tired and sweaty face. She slowly slid her legs beneath her and rose to her feet to see what she had just revealed. And as she stood for the first time in years, she saw a world around her that she did not know even existed. There were mountains and fields of green. Streams and rivers, hawks and eagles. Skyscrapers and buildings that reached so tall. Animals and books, paint brushes and pianos. An entire world she had yet to lay her weary eyes on. As she looked below her she saw the wide and wonderful eyes of her young ones peering up at her with terror and curiosity. Who was this woman and what had she just uncovered. With a shaky balance she lifted one leg and then the other and she stepped out of the shell that she had been living in. It was not until this moment that she realized how small the space was that she was taking up. Not realizing how small she had grown accustomed to being. Not realizing that standing in her full height and weight and being was even an option.
Her bare feet hit the ground of this new found world, which was covered in the most delicious green grass you have ever seen or felt. And with one step her whole soul inhaled and experienced a feeling of peace and belonging, held by the earth beneath her feet. She closed her eyes, she inhaled and felt the wind in her hair. What was this? How had I not known that this was here all this time? I have been so tired. I have been so sad. Hiding away. Trudging on. Not knowing that there was more for me. But could it be? Could this actually be here for me? She opened her eyes again and then turned around to face the shell, the pitiful, puny shell which she had been inhabiting without any thought or question. How had she even gotten in there? Had she been in there her entire life? I forgot to exist once I became a mother. And I think I remember someone telling me that I had to enjoy it or I wasn’t a good mother. And so I stayed, not asking for more, but just accepting the shell and thinking that this was it.
And then tears began to flow.
She did not know something could feel as good as warm soft grass beneath her feet. And almost as if without warning, her body completely took over and she was running and twirling and rolling and laughing and jumping. And with each leap she felt her body growing stronger and her limbs getting longer. And a returning back to herself.
She finally landed on the earth on her back with a broad smile across her entire face. She layed with eyes closed as she listened to the wind in the trees overhead. And as she sat up she noticed the buildings in front of her. Bright and beautiful. Full of color and light. She longed to go inside. As she rose to her feet, she slowly walked back over to the shell and she reached deep inside and grabbed hold of her young ones. With their own squinty eyes they looked around at this new place. They wondered, and they observed and finally they began to giggle and dance and run around their mother. Full of joy, full of life.
She took hold of their little fingers and led them towards the building and with a few simple steps they walked inside. The first door they walked through had scrawled across the top “desire” and through the next “essence.” Within the walls of this majestic building they found stories and music and teachers and foods they had never tried before. And within only moments they were experiencing it all and enjoying it all and living.
Now it has been 100 years since that first shell was broken. And a woman who was once a young one, was walking hand in hand with her own young one. And as they walked, the older one straightened her doctor's coat, while the young one led her chestnut horse behind her. They were walking through the forest together, talking about all they had done that day and all that brought them joy. As they walked, they came upon a strange thing, something that the young one had never seen or heard of before. In front of them sat an old broken shell, slightly shriveled with age. And the young one pulled on her mother’s coat and asked, “what is this Mama?” As she looked upon the shell, the mother told her young one, “this is something that you’re great great grandmother got rid of years ago. She got rid of it for us so that we will never have to.” “And why is it still here, if it was something that she got rid of?” Asked the young one. “It remains here, so that we always remember to never go back into the shell. The whole world is here for us, there is no need to hide in a shell and not partake. It stays there so that we can see how small she once lived because she thought that she had to. But she discovered for all of us that we were never meant to live so small. That being a mother is not to become trapped in the feeding and the fussing. To be a mother is to give life. And to give life goes far beyond the moment of birth. To be a mother is to let life pass through you in every sense. To let what must be born be born. It is the pushing, the letting go, the tearing open. It is the uncomfortable steps unto life. A mother possesses the gift to make what was once non-existent, into pure existence. She gives life to the woman that is her, to the young ones that come after her and to anyone that comes across her path. But only as long as she herself is alive. So live young one, live so that you can continue to give life to the ones that come after you.” And so she did and so did all the mothers that came after her.
