I Can't Act Without Feeling

oh what a conundrum

I’m currently sitting at Barnes and Noble, staring at something that I’ve previously written, unable to hit publish because the vibes just don’t feel right.

I’m such a feelings person, it’s almost impossible for me to do something unless I feel it first and unless it feels just right. So when I’m in a state where I’m either too tired to feel or I’m just simply out of feeling, I tend to duck out completely, waiting for the feel to return to the scene.

But the problem there is that I can come in and go out and end up feeling inconsistent. Which pretty much feels like being called something horrible. I hate being inconsistent. But I also hate doing something without feeling behind it. So there lies my dilemma in life. The need to align feel and action at all times.

Which then begs the question, do I force the action without the feeling, in order to remain consistent? Or do I wait for the feeling in order to act and sacrifice consistency?
Which is more important to me? Consistency or feeling?

I think my body would say feeling but my ego would say consistency.

I have grown to respect my body too much to deny it the need of feeling. But am I aloud to do that? Can I actually move through life waiting on feeling? Will the people in my life allow me to move through life waiting on a feeling?

It’s magic when the feeling and action align. But it’s agony when the feeling is gone and there goes the motivation to act. If only I could trust that all is well when the feelings and actions stop. If only I could tell myself that all will return.

I end up asking the question, is there something wrong with me, or am I just that in tune? Which why do the two possible outcomes have to be so aggressive? Maybe it’s not that big of a deal. Maybe it’s just the phase of the moon. Maybe it’s just the phase of me and I must simply allow it all.

Allow feeling to come and allow feeling to go. Allow action to move through me and allow action to go completely silent.

I just don’t have the answer yet and I will continue to let my thoughts wander as I wrestle with it and wait on feeling.

Feeding myself hot tea and buttery toast because that’s what feels good while I wait.