What My Baby Book Taught Me
A journey to trusting myself again
My mom recently came to visit to help with my kids and when she came, she brought with her my baby book which I have been begging her to send me for years. It had been over ten years since I had looked through this book, so when I opened that first page, my heart was filled with anticipation of what I would find. Immediately I found tucked within the front cover, a few pictures that had been printed but hadn’t found their way to their permanent pages in the book. Two of the pictures were of me and one or two other girls, obviously posing for a picture that one of our mothers was taking. And what struck me immediately as I leafed through each of these pictures is that as the other girls sat or stood with a nice smile across their faces, I was in some form of silly pose. In one, my hand was smashed across my face to produce an obnoxious silly face, the other I had my hands out in front of me and my mouth in what looked like a grumpy old man replication. In what was meant to be a simple posed picture, I obviously was drawn to not be simple, or small or posed, that when asked to pose for the camera, my innate and natural response was to be silly. And maybe I wouldn't have thought anything of this had I looked at this picture ten years ago, or when my mother took that picture thirty years ago, it probably didn't seem significant then. But it feels significant now, and especially when I feel an emphasis on self discovery, because when I look at that girl in that picture, I see me. I see the same girl that I am discovering now, was always the girl that I have been. The need to be silly. The need to stand out and not be small. The one who likes to make people laugh and not be “normal.” That girl that I thought I was going to need to find the tools of how to become, is actually me. I don’t need to find out how to be that, I already am that and have always been that. I must simply allow her to be.
I think I get afraid of losing myself, so it was so crazy when I found these pictures and realized that I have been me my entire life. And no amount of life lived or bad things that have happened or ways that I have changed or grown have affected that. To my core I am still me. And so then what has changed? What am I chasing if all the things that I am and ever will be are already within me? I believe that what I am chasing and trying to find, is the bravery, the boldness, the courage, to be her. To live the life I was always meant to live, that has been waiting in me to live. What has gotten me lost along the way are the fears, the hurts, of when I tried to be me and people laughed or scoffed or made fun of me. And so I shrunk back. Or I was taught to doubt that what is me, is wrong or bad or not true. Oooo I can't tell you how many years now I have spent trying to teach myself again that I am true. That what I think and feel and know and am is true. That I can trust myself. I was never meant to be afraid to be me. I never want to be afraid to be me, but here I am. And here I am trying to find my way back to her again. That girl that I’ve always been, I will always be her, she will always be there waiting for me. I must simply allow her. Trust her, give her room to be. Give her what she is asking for, asking to be.
I have always been this girl, I have just been finding the bravery to be her.
The beauty of this is that you don’t have to go far. You don’t have to go out there searching for something to be. Everything you are is already inside of you, it is an exploration of yourself. A remembering, a recovery of old stories, of pictures, of tales of you that will make you realize who you are and who you’ve always been.
You do not need to become anyone other than yourself. You do not need to become the girl beside you or online. You are the one to become, the one who has been desperately waiting to become. Your uniqueness, your beauty, your fervor for life, the things that make you feel alive, will all be within, waiting to be discovered. How it feels in your body is what matters and is what is most important. It does not matter how it resonates for anyone else but yourself. Because you have known your whole life, what is best for you. But you must trust in order to know. You must trust that your answers will be the best ones for yourself. You are the expert of you, but you must know yourself. You must learn you, no one else can learn you as best as you can. But you must start with trust and a love and admiration for yourself that will allow you to embrace what you discover. If you look at yourself and you scoff, well then that is not the place in which you will become. You will hide from yourself like you have hidden from everyone else. Give yourself the gift of being the person whom you feel the safest with. Whom you feel the most loved by. And watch as you flourish. As you become. As you be who you have always been. You.
